nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
