Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He? As in you personified your dick?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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