I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Randomize
