What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
