I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
