tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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