i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
