What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
