life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I know her cup size but not her name....
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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