just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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