So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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