it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
