i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Pants are for mortals
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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