this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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