fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize