Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
