Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
