I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
