He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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