she was so not down for the gang bang
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
