hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
