remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
