the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
