I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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