Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
