This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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