My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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