The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
