so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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