i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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