Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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