I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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