I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
