Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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