i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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