respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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