Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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