I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
