His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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