yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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