omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
