I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I am spending my child support on dildos
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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