plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
