I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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