I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
