I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Randomize
