She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
