I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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