You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You've changed since you got that strap on
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
