I'm lost and stupid without you.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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