Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
