My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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