and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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