I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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