new low.... made out with someone while peeing
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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