Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
