I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
