dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
