5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize