Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
We are all done wearing pants today
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